


Disgusting

by bungee_bepbop



Series: Tsukishima's series of bad days (and some good ones) [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anorexic tsukishima, Bulimia, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Hurt No Comfort, Kuroo Tetsurou - Freeform, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Friend, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Self-Hatred, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, bulimic tsukishima, kurotsuki - Freeform, tsukishima kei - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:49:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29728590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bungee_bepbop/pseuds/bungee_bepbop
Summary: A prequel to 'Just relax'Tsukishima struggles with eating while at a training camp and realizes Kuroo may care about him more than he thought.(pre-relationship)read tagsmild hurt/a little comfortangst
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Series: Tsukishima's series of bad days (and some good ones) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184930
Comments: 2
Kudos: 55





	Disgusting

“You have to eat meat, Tsukki!”

_ Too much protein.  _

“Tsukishima! You need to eat more food!”

_ I need to eat less, not more. _

“Come on, eat vegetables too.”

_ I already ate too much... _

_ God _ . He missed the days when people kept their opinions to themselves. 

Growing up he was taught not to ask people about their weight. He was taught not to ask about their age, their salaries, their jobs, anything that could come across as rude or insensitive or intrusive. He was taught not to comment on how much or little people ate and not to judge them based on their habits or tendencies. However, he learned over time not everyone had the same decency. 

Training camps were hell.

Being surrounded by people 24/7 was hell. 

Skipping meals wasn’t an option. Even if he said he wasn’t hungry he’d get a meat bun or a bowl of rice shoved in his face along with a slight scold from whoever gave it to him.

_ ‘You need energy, Tsukishima!’ _

_ ‘You need meat to build muscle!’ _

_ ‘Come on! You can’t be all tired and sluggish for the practice matches!’ _

He didn’t need the energy. He didn’t need the muscle. He didn’t eat this much on his own and if anything the very food that was supposed to give him energy and make him alert made him groan in pain and want to cry.

Stomaching 3 meals a day was hard when he barely ate 2. Hell, some days it was barely 1. His brain was screaming at him and his body writhed in agony every second he was upright.

_ Throw up! _

_ Go run it off! _

_ You’re disgusting. _

_ How could you eat that so quickly? _

_ You know how to fix it so why aren’t you doing anything! _

Retching over the noise of the shower with his fingers stuffed down his throat, he felt disgusting. With every failed gag and groan he felt every word he told himself sink into his skin.

He coughed, saliva dripping down his chin, tasting the faint beginning taste of vomit in his mouth. He felt disgusting. He’d eaten so much and his mind wouldn’t stop screaming at him to get it out.

He was trying. He was trying but while his mind screamed at him to fix his mistakes, screamed at him to throw up, cough, spit, do anything to get the food up, it was the same mind that didn’t let him.

He struggled over the toilet, tears threatening to stream down his face as he’d failed yet again. 

_ You’re gaining weight. _

_ Do you have any idea how heavy you are? There’s not even a scale here to check. _

_ Disgusting.  _

_ You can’t even make yourself throw up. _

_ Disgusting. _

_ You’re in pain, fucking indulge yourself. _

_ Disgusting. _

_ Do something, you coward! _

His mind itched at the thought of the  _ ‘something’ _ his brain had meant.

_ Disgusting. _

_ Disgusting. _

_ Disgusting. _

_ disgustingdisgustingdisgusting- _

His hand grazed his thigh. 

_ You know how to make yourself feel better. _

He pinched the fat.

_ Just do it, what’s the worst that will happen? _

He pressed down, wondering how hard he’d have to push.

“Tsukki?”

His head jerked up from the bathroom floor. He had locked himself in the bathroom a while ago, he guessed he’d lost track of time.

“What?” 

_ Playing dumb is better than knowing how much time you wasted on your failure.  _

“You done soon?... You’ve been a while, some of the members from the other teams want to shower since the baths are still being cleaned…” 

_ Yamaguchi. He should have expected him. _

He turned the showerhead off, hoping no one would notice he was completely dry as he grabbed his towel and pushed open the door. 

There was a slight line, mainly consisting of the Nekoma team. He wondered how long they’d been waiting. He pushed past Yamaguchi and started walking towards their sleeping room.

“You’re not showering?” He asked Yamaguchi as he shrugged,

“I did yesterday, plus the baths should be clean for tomorrow. I just came to see if you were okay because you’d been gone a while.”

“Why wouldn’t I be fine? I can shower on my own, you know.” 

“S-sorry… we’re turning lights off in a few minutes anyway. You got lost earlier today and I wanted you to be able to find our room.”  _ Lost.  _ He supposed that was the excuse he gave them, but he couldn't help but feel a little distaste on his tongue. He purposefully wandered off during lunch so his teammates didn't have as much time to berate him about his diet.

“Oh, yeah… thanks.” 

Kei curled up in his sleeping bag, laying on his side and clutching his stomach. He could feel the food churn around, feel it like it was a brick weighing down his stomach. He failed again. He couldn’t do it. He couldn't throw up the rice or pork buns or onigiri or any of the food he was handed.

He felt disgusting.

—-

There were a lot of reasons Tsukishima didn’t talk to anyone about his problems. The main reason being there was a lack of people to talk to.

He’d never been the most vocal about his feelings, to begin with. He kept them inside until they’d burst out or he’d get too sharp with Tadashi, there was even the rare occasion Tadashi would get upset because his usual demeanour had actually succeeded in making the timider of the boys actually feel bad.

But he didn't have many people to talk with, anyone, really. His brother was stressed about the university and didn’t have time for his problems. His mother was always on a diet, talking about what foods she could and couldn’t eat and had always gotten mad at the suggestion Kei might be struggling. Yamaguchi had a hard time with his own eating problems and Kei didn’t want to burden him with anything he didn’t need to hear. 

So, he stopped talking to Yamaguchi about his problems. When he did they scared him, and the idea of talking about it scared Kei. (He also worried if he did it would sound like he was mocking his friend- having to hear him complain about not being able to eat when Tadashi would often complain about the opposite.) 

So, it came full circle. He had a reason to keep every person on his short list in the dark.

_ They can’t handle it. _

_ They’d be mad. _

_ They’d be disappointed. _

_ No one cares about it. _

_ They have too much to worry about as it is. _

“Tsukki! Cover!”

“Got it!” He shouted, passing the ball behind him so someone could come over and nail it across the net. It had been dumped over by Nekoma’s setter, Kenma, making Tanaka dive for the ball, giving him barely enough time to cover it before sending it to the other side of the court.

Kageyama slammed it over, it shocked people when he got to land a spike or two, it was different from a setter dump, but it was satisfying nonetheless. 

It was picked up from the other side again, set up perfectly. Tsukki panted. His breath was a lot faster than his teammates and he hoped they wouldn’t notice. 

The ball left Kenma’s fingers, pushing it up just enough for the attackers to make their approaches. But on the other side of the net Kei felt like his vision was lagging. He was sweating more than he should be, he was so grossly unfit and he felt like he was floating in his shoes.

Kuroo came up with the perfect approach, jump and form to hit the set, pulling back his elbow to slam the ball down just as Kei jumped up with Tanaka to block.

Kei jumped up. He hadn’t been feeling good in the morning and it showed now. He woke up with what felt like bricks in his stomach, his food seemingly solidifying in his stomach yet it continued to growl for more. He choked down some rice before it crawled back up his throat and he threw up in the bathrooms.

He hated that it made him happy.

But he loved it just as much.

He was used to an empty stomach. It was comfortable, he could play better on it. So why was he feeling so sick? 

Halfway up his jump, he felt it. A kicked dizziness, the lag in his vision now a full spin. He felt Kuroo’s spike blow through his hands, his eyes locking with the spiker as he came down from his jump only to have his footing go out from underneath him.

He hit the ground with a hard thud. His elbows smashed against the ground and it felt like his bones were shattering. 

It was short. Nearly unnoticeable. If he wasn’t watched so closely he doubted anyone would even notice.

“He passed out!” 

He grits his teeth, moving to stand up.

“Tsukki!”

“Tsukishima, slow down,”

“Yeah, take it easy, did you hit your head?”

He tried to brush the hands of his teammates away. Prodding and exploring trying to figure out if he’d hurt himself. 

_ Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me! _

_ They’ll realize how disgusting you are! _

_ They’ll think you’re pathetic for eating so much!  _

“I’m fine, I lost my footing, that’s all.” He piped back with his usual bite.

“You passed out my man, I’d take it easy, make sure you got some food into ya’” Nekoma’s captain, Kuroo, said watching him from the other side of the net,

“I didn’t faint, I’m not some middle-schooler.”

I didn’t faint, I didn’t faint, I didn’t faint-

“Your eyes rolled back in your head and you were laying on the ground for a few seconds before you got up.” Kenma piped in, his shoulders slightly hunched but bearing a small but concerned expression. Even if they had never really talked, seeing someone pass out was always enough to shake a person.

_ You didn’t pass out, you’re still too disgusting to get to do that.  _

“I think I’d know if I passed out.” It was the final word said about the exchange before Kei stormed off the court with the rest of their teammates. Thankfully, the point Kuroo had scored was what ended their practice game.

As Tsukki walked back to their room he felt a little colder than he usually did. He didn’t realize he passed out. How often did that happen? 

—-

He poked at his dinner. Pushing it around on his plate and with a slight frown. 

Sticky rice - 120 calories

Steak - 170 calories

Broccoli - 30 calories

Carrots - 40 calories

His plate was piled with food he didn’t want to eat, all because of his so-called  _ ‘fainting spell’ _ . Coach Ukai had ruled out any head-trauma and choked it up to low blood sugar. (Kei having no idea how  _ he _ could have low blood sugar given how much he ate.) 

Noya and Daichi had made his plate.

Daichi pushed protein and vegetables while Noya pushed rice and said that he’d get the taller boy an ice cream after dinner since he hadn’t had any they’d brought yet. 

He didn’t even want to think about how many calories the ice cream had in it. It was all too much, he gawked at the calorie content of even the smallest foods. Wondering how anyone could eat as much as they did and not gain weight. 

He pushed his food around until he’d eaten half of it and made the rest look pitifully small. He still felt gross. The sticky rice expanded and solidified in his stomach, the steak tasted like nothing but fat and grain and the vegetables were too soft and made him want to gag. 

_ You know how to fix it. _

I don’t want to.

_ You can get rid of the calories. _

Throwing up is disgusting.

_ You know how to make yourself feel better. _

None of it will make me feel better…

He went to sleep and let his stomach make him sick. Letting his mind scream at him to  _ “get rid of it” _ .

He just wanted to sleep.

—-

“Hey, you! Skinny! With the glasses! Come block for us.”

He felt like shit. His stomach hurt, he had a headache, his vision was dancing around like crazy and despite eating a gross amount for dinner his stomach was still growling and clawing at his insides. 

Practicing with Kuroo, Bokuto and Akaashi was a risk. Tsukki was tired, he was breathing heavier than any of them and couldn’t shake the everlasting fatigue that dug into his bones. He was sweating, panting, and struggling to catch his breath from barely 30 minutes of blocking. 

He was starting to feel faint again. He recognized the feeling from yesterday so it wouldn’t happen again. (Forgetting that by the time he realized it- he probably couldn’t do anything) A slightly disconnected feeling that left him floating in his shoes for a few seconds before he would drop for who knows how long and wake up on the gym floor.

But he couldn’t take a break.

Everyone was already so suspicious of him.

Kei felt like he was under a microscope. Daichi and Noya piling his plate with food for him to pick off around a quarter of it. Sluggishness, fatigue, a drift to his step- if he wasn’t careful they’d figure it out.

But still, he jumps up for another block.

_ They’ll know how disgusting you are. _

He feels his feet float in his shoes, he knows it won’t end well. 

_ They’ll know how gross you are. _

Bokuto’s spike ricochets off his fingers.

He starts to fall down.

He feels eyes on him.

He knows he won’t be able to catch himself.

Someone rushes to his side.

His head feels foggy _ \- what’s happening? _

“He fainted again!”

“I warned you that might happen.”

“How long do you think he’ll be out?”

“I don’t know… I didn’t see him eat much at dinner.”

“I thought his team hounded him after yesterday?”

“I thought so too…”

“It’s none of our business, it may be a medical thing we don’t know about.”

“I’m not so sure…”

He’s on the ground. There was something under his head and there were people around him.

“Should we call for a coach?”

His eyes flickered open. 

_ ‘Where am I?’ _

It clicked as he realized who was talking.

Bokuto asking if they should call for a coach.

Akaashi saying it wasn’t their business.

Kuroo pointing out how little he ate at dinner.

He passed out again. He could tell before he even asked what happened. It was longer than last time. Hell- he didn’t even realize he passed out last time it was so short. That in itself scared him. But this scared him more.

_ How long was he out for? _

_ Do they know how gross he is? _

_ Are they going to tell someone? _

_ Make him eat? _

_ Would they be mad? Scared? Disgusted? Disappointed?- _

“Hey, hey, Tsukki, calm down,” Kuroo’s voice was softer than he remembered it. His eyes looking down on him from his position above the blonde, Tsukki becoming painfully aware he was half laying on Kuroo’s lap and breathing far too heavily to come across as normal.

“Kuroo-san-“

“You passed out again- don’t worry we haven’t called anyone yet, it was only about 30… 40 seconds?”

_ Why was Kuroo being so nice to him? _

“Just… take it easy- we can get you some water, food maybe… or medicine if you think you’re sick- can’t have you passing out on us again…” He ended with a nervous chuckle.

_ Even when he was so obviously worried, so obviously scared, he treated Kei with such care even though he barely knew him. _

“I can take you back to your room- I feel like I kinda should…”

_ Kuroo didn’t feel responsible for this- did he? He couldn’t have known Tsukki would pass out. _

“How are you feeling? Any better? Are you still feeling lightheaded?” 

He shifted himself off Kuroo’s lap. Looking at the older boy with a strange curiosity. The other two were close around him, staring interestingly at the exchange. (Akaashi was keeping an eye out for a possible head injury- Bokuto immediately recognizing the endearing look of care in Kuroo’s eyes, wondering if the bed-headed hitter knew how he was looking at Kei.) 

“I’m fine…” 

A bullshit answer no one believed. But still, not pushing or prodding, Kuroo nodded. 

“Let’s go back to your room then, it’s getting late. Bo, Akaashi, lock up the gym, yeah?” The two nodded, a slightly sympathetic look on their faces as they walked away together.

_ There it is. _

_ The pity. _

_ The disgust. _

_ They’re grossed out by you. _

_ You make them sad. _

_ If you hadn't fainted like some middle-schooler this wouldn’t have happened! _

_ You fucked up. _

_ It doesn’t take a genius to know what makes people faint!  _

_ Careless. _

_ Sloppy. _

_ Idiotic. _

_ Disgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgusting- _

“Hey, Tsukki.”

His head tilted towards Kuroo. They had stopped walking- Kei not realizing they had started in the first place. They were just outside the door to the Karasuno sleeping room. The light was out inside and there was no sound. 

“Yeah?” Attempting to come off nonchalant in this situation seemed futile. How could he act so carefree when he’d just fainted in the arms of an upperclassman that was looking at him with such delicacy and fondness?

Such worry.

_ Such pity.  _

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay? I mean- you fainted yesterday, and again today, not that I, uh… nevermind..., it just seems like maybe it should be a cause for concern.”

A friendly worry. 

A simple gesture he hadn’t experienced in a while.

His mom talked about her diet and got mad at even the slightest suggestion her son was sick.

Yamaguchi had his own problems- listening to him talk would only make the green-haired boy feel worse about his own eating habits.

His brother was stressed with school- he couldn’t handle his problems. 

Could Kuroo be different? Did he care? Was he just being nice?

No- just being nice would be calling for a coach when he passed out. 

Holding him when he passed out, walking him back to his room to make sure he got back okay, checking to make sure he wasn’t still feeling bad- maybe Kuroo did care. 

He bit his lip.

He was feeling a little shaken.

The new idea of passing out scared him and it seemed to be becoming a regular problem. What if it followed him in actual matches? At school? What if he passed out at home? 

He was scared.

But maybe, just maybe, he had found someone to open up to.

To rely on.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading, 
> 
> This is a brief and kind of disconnected prequel to 'Just relax' where Tsuki first meets Kuroo and realizes that he actually has people that care about him (that person being Kuroo)
> 
> This being a prequel focuses less on their relationship- but I've enjoyed writing this and will probably continue this mini-series including more of their relationship ^-^
> 
> (Also- Ik i'm kind of out of practice for writing, but if you happen to like my writing style I'm always open to hearing coupling/fic requests


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